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It occurred to me that anyone I’ve heard describe themselves as Irish and Catholic does so in one breath: “I’m Irish-Catholic.” There are also French-Catholics, Polish-Catholics, and just plain Catholics (the latter category seems to cover Germany, Austro-Hungarian-area, Spain, Latin America, and pretty much the rest of the world). here’s what i think it means:


“I’m French Catholic.” Translation: I do not give a fuck.

“…Irish Catholic”: I still give a fuck.

“Polish Catholic”: You did not know that I even had a fuck to give. Well let me assure you…

Germany, Austro-Hungarian Area: “I’m Catholic.” Translation. I live in a place that used to belong to a country that used to own the whole fucking planet. Now all i got is a vaguely misty feeling when I go in the corner of the kirche to pray for my mother’s gout. Fuck all of you.

Latin America, Africa, the rest of the world: “I’m Catholic.” Translation: My ancestors and I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. But you wouldn’t believe the shit we can get away with now that we’re the majority of Catholics. Like you should have heard the Vodoun Chanting that one of the guys was talking about in the front pew. Bishop Dominique barely gave him a stern look because he donated the baptismal font/shrine to Hecate.

For the record: I mean no offense by any of this. Despite the frequent foul language and irreverence I mean all of this anthropologically. Despite not being a catholic myself I would like to thank you guys for Mozart, Verdi, Michelangelo, and for finally being dears and cleaning shit up under this new pope who seems like an alright bloke. Who am I kidding? nobody’s going to read this.